Alien: Covenant (2017)

Remember way back in the near-forgotten year of 2012 when we kept seeing all this incredible promotional material for Prometheus and we were all super stoked because Ridley Scott was coming back to the Alien franchise for the first time in 34 year and then the film came out and it was underwhelming at best? On a related not, you ever heard how those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it?

A crew of 15, awoken from cryosleep during a 7-year colonization mission after their ship is damaged by a solar flare or whatever, discover a planet randomly that just so happens to perfectly suit their needs that's much closer than the one they were going to. A majority land on the surface after both to study the ecosystem and to find the source of a mysterious SOS call they've received. A few disturbingly bad CGI creatures later and they come in contact with David, the murderous robot from Prometheus and near-perfect doppelganger for the robot the crew of the Covenant brought with them. Then some more pretentious Prometheus bullshit, like the idea of the xenomorphs being the result of a virus and an entire civilization of Handsome Squidwards, happens.

Show me the person who thinks they can tell these two apart and I'll show you a liar.

In case you can't tell, I was not a fan of this movie. Much like its predecessor, it's riddled with Grand Canyon-sized plot hole while trying to make you think they're there by design and the entire film just feels kinda rushed and amateurish despite the years of experience behind and in front of the camera. The acting runs the shit-scale from dull (is it ironic that the two best performances in the film are being given by a man playing a robot and Danny McBride, or is it just funny) to hysterically melodramatic (I get that the Daniels character is suppose to be sort of this film's Ripley, but I don't recall Ripley blubbering quite that much. In fact, I'm pretty sure she cries more here than Ripley does in 4 entire films). The computer effects are shockingly sub par --including a few scenes where they don't look any better than the CG in Alien3, which you may recall is 25 years old-- and everything has that obnoxious blue patina that every fucking sci-fi film in the last 10 years has.

Overblown, dull, uninteresting, and not even the slightest bit engaging, you'd be better served just watching you Blu-Ray copy of Alien for the 5000th and remind yourself that Ridley was talented once upon a time.

Beyond the Gates (2016)

Once upon a time, in the mid-80s up to the early 90s, there was a popular trend of releasing board game that came with a VHS component. The tapes would function very much like a Dungeon Master in a game of D&D, conveying instructions and directing the players during the game. Most of these were Fantasy/Action games like Dragon Strike and Doorways to Adventure, licensed games based on pop culture like the Star Wars and Star Trek:TNG franchises, or new versions of classic board games like Candyland and Clue, however, there were a substantial number of horror games. Doorways to Horror, Atmosfear, and the very popular Nightmare series (4 of them!) are but a few examples of this forgotten period. Sure, they still release games now with DVD components, but it's not really the same. But indie flick Beyond the Gates seeks to bring attention back to this proud subgenre.

The father of two estranged brothers, the driven working professional Gordon and the lazy bum John, goes missing for 7 months and is declared dead in absentia. After being brought back together to close up his somehow-still running video rental shop they find the last thing he was watching was the tape from a game called Beyond the Gates. They bring it home to their father's home --where they're staying during the cleanup-- and make the unfortunate decision, along with Gordon's wife Margot, to give the game a try. On the tape an entity by the name of Evelyn (played by the genre vet Barbara Crampton) tells the three playing and finishing the game is the only way to save themselves and the father's soul.

Writers Stephen Scarlata and Jackson Stewart (who's also the director of the film) create an atmosphere of familiarity and nostalgia. The film wears it's influences proudly but doesn't wallow in them, creating something that feels old and new simultaneously. If feels like discovering a Full Moon Production from the 90s you've never seen before, just with far better writing and acting of course. The few instances of gore are tow that line of intentionally over-the-top, the look of the film runs a wide gamut from warm and crisp in the "normal" world to a beautifully retro pink and blue color scheme for the in-game world, and the music is fantastic (frankly I'm baffled why it hasn't been giving a vinyl release yet).

While the film is a bit slow at times and could've used a bit of trimming of some slightly redundant scenes, Beyond the Gates is guaranteed to make you feel all the nostalgia feels.  

Incarnate (2016)

Remember just a few short years ago when literally every single fucking horror flick that saw the light of day was a possession film without a single original thought to be seen? That's being a bit harsh, of course. Occasionally a decent film made it through; The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Taking of Deborah Logan, At the Devil's Door, Eva's Possession, and the Insidious and The Conjuring films (though whether or not those count as possession films is debatable) all manage to excel by being wildly different from the rest. Hell, even trash like The Rite or The Last Exorcism rank higher than most other films of their ilk to me simply for not just being complete Exorcist ripoffs like so many others. Luckily, Incarnate manages to avoid ripping off the Exorcist to much. Instead, it rips off The Cell.

Aaron Eckhart --whom you might remember as a good actor whom use to appear in good movies once upon a time-- stars as our Jennifer Lopez analog as a man who can enter the minds of those possessed and uses his ability in an attempt to find and destroy the demon that causes the accident that killed his wife and son and placed him in a wheelchair. A young boy, the victim of abuse at the hands of his estranged father and living in a brand new apartment with his mother, becomes possessed by that very demon and is in desperate need of the help of him and the part-time Hot Topic employees that assist him.

Writer Ronnie Christensen tried to do something unique with the possession subgenre, but sadly nothing really lands. Riddled with plot holes and inconsistency regarding how the rules of the world of the film works, it wants to be The Cell and The Exorcist but with none of the style of the former or the subtext of the latter. Director Brad (San Andreas, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island) Peyton proves he has no understanding of how horror films work and presents a dull, uninteresting vision. A couple decent performances and a decent idea, however, can't make up for a film that's fundamentally flawed.

The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)

There's a type of parasitic fungus found in tropical climates called Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis, or O. unilateralis for short, that infects a certain species of ant and alters the insects behavior to suit its own needs. It basically, for lack of a better word, zombifies (ugh) them. I bring this up because festival favorite The Girl with All the Gifts is, to my knowledge, the only film wherein zombification comes about do to a fungus in lieu of the usual viral or biochemical explanation.

It's the not-too-distant future, and the world has been ravaged by a fungal infection that transforms its victims into blood-thirsty zombies (here given the adorable moniker of 'Hungeries'). In a secure government facility in the English countryside resides a group of children born with the disease that have the ability to ignore it most of the time --until they're hungry, that is-- and a mixed staff of military personnel, teachers, and a few doctors working on a cure by occasionally dissecting said children. When the fence surrounding the location fails only six people manage to escape; a sergeant, two enlisted men, a teacher, the head doctor (played by 6-time Oscar nominee Glenn goddamn Close!), and Melanie, the titular girl with all the gifts and played beautifully by newcomer Sennia Nanua. Their destination? London and, hopefully, rescue.

 Based on a 2014 sci-fi novel by Liverpool author M.R. Carey, this is the perfect antidote do those who still suffer from something I coined a few years ago as 'zombie fatigue,' which is regarded as a general lack of enthusiasm whenever the word "zombie" is uttered in film, TV, novel or video game. Instead of the same cliched Dawn of the Dead ripoff we're usually stuck with, The Girl with All the Gifts is methodical and thoughtful. The direction by British TV veteran Colm McCarthy is impressive without being showy and the gore, despite being sparingly used, is used well when we do see it.

A new take on old tropes, with flavors from 28 Days Later and I Am Legend thrown in for good measure, The Girl with All the Gifts is not just the best zombie movie, but the best zombie-related thing I've seen in quite some time.

Shut-In (2016)

Man, don't you hate it when bad movies happen to good actors?

You see, I'm a big fan of actress Naomi Watts and I believe she's vastly underrated. Whether she's starring in films by some of my favorite directors like David Lynch (Mulholland Dr., Inland Empire) or David Cronenberg (Eastern Promises), some of the most well-regarded horror remakes of the 21st century like The Ring and Funny Games, or films that snag her Oscar noms (21 Grams, The Impossible), I just dig her. This only makes me angrier at the shit storm that is Shut-In than I might normally be as she struggles to bring the rest of it up to her level. Of course, the same could be said for all the actors involved as they try their best to make you care about a film so god damn boring, cliche, and uninteresting.

My favorite Australian who isn't Paul Hogan plays Mary, a child psychologist still reeling and in a state of mental disrepair after the car crash that killed her husband and left her son Stephen (Stranger Things' Charlie Heaton) a vegetable she cares for in her secluded Modern Horror Movie House. When one of her child patients --who's sometimes deaf and sometimes not depending on what suits the story at the particular moment and a startling step down for child actor and star of last year's Room Jason Tremblay-- disappears from her home after somehow showing up there out of the blue one night, her already fragile mental state crumbles even further. The "riveting" "thrills" are interrupted occasionally be Mary speaking to every Hollywood major studio horror films' favorite new character archetype, Specialist on Skype, courtesy of the super cute Oliver Platt.

Here we see Mrs. Watts desperately searching for some intrigue.

I'd planned a writing a longer, more detailed review, but frankly there just isn't much to say. All of these award-winning actors, despite doing the best they can, are absolutely wasted in a film that commits the cardinal sin of being boring. Watching this I was reminded of a film from last February you might remember called The Boy. Both of these films had promise and a twist that could've been so much more if they'd only gone full tilt with them, but instead things are played safe and the result is two completely forgettable films that just sorta leave you feeling cheated.