47 Meters Down (2017)

Last year around this time a little shark film called The Shallows made its debut and became the sleeper hit of the summer. So given that fact it really shouldn't come as a shock to see another shark movie released this summer in an attempt to capitalize on that film's success. Unfortunately, 47 Meters Deep --previously titled In The Deep-- feels like an Asylum ripoff, except nowhere near as hilarious as those tend to be.

Our story follows the Mexican vacation adventures of sisters Lisa and Kate, played by former pop star Mandy Moore and Claire Holt, respectively. We find out that Lisa's ass has just been dropped like a hot rock by either her husband or boyfriend (I can't for the life of me remember if they actually specified which), and considering she's the type who defines herself by whatever relationship she's in she's pretty broken up by it. We then immediately fly through a whole series of Screenwriting 101 scenes that are cut together so quickly all they would need is a peppy synthpop track to be considered a montage until the girls have met a couple of vacation boyfriends who convince them to come onto their friend's boat for a spot of shark cagin'. Unsurprisingly the winch holding their cage breaks and they wind up 47 meters --or 155 feet if you're American and fat-- under the surface, surrounded by Great White sharks.

So, guys, this movie is horrible. It looks amateurish at best and almost unwatchable at worst, though considering director Johannes (The Other Side of the Door, Storage 24) Roberts has been behind some of the worst horror flicks of the past few years I suppose that shouldn't come as a shock, which really upsets me considering he's been tapped to direct The Strangers 2. And the writing! Oh boy, the writing! You know how Blake Lively's character in The Shallows was a really likeable, interesting, multifaceted character? Well, Lisa and Kate's main character trait appears to be THEY ARE GIRLS, spending roughly 80% of the film squealing and the other 20% fumbling around inane dialogue. Furthermore, considering the sheer amount of time the bends was mentioned, I'm pretty sure Roberts and co-writer Ernest Riera have no idea what the bends actually is. I mean, it's a great album, why is that a problem?

Ironically, it features a song titled 'High and Dry'

All joking aside, considering the sheer speed those woman drop to the ocean floor, twice, and the fact Roberts went out of his way to include a shot of the glass watch face on Kate's wrist shattering, those girls should've been dead right then and their, their newly-liquefied brains leaking from their ears. I'm willing to overlook a lot of shit; I could've overlooked the bland and one-dimensional characters and the myriad plot holes (how many plot holes could possibly be in a movie like this, you ask? Oh my sweet summer child, you have no idea) if the ending worked. It does not. In fact, I haven't been this pissed off about a film ending in a long while. I'm gonna talk about it, so if you don't want to know you should stop reading now, because beyond here there be dragons.

Towards the end of the film, things are looking bad for our mousy friend Lisa. Her leg is trapped between the ocean floor and the cage after a failed rescue attempt left it on its side, her sister was just snapped up in front of her eyes by one of the sharks while picking up some spare air tanks, she even managed to shot herself in the hand with a spear gun. Then, crackling and whimpering over her little underwater radio thingy. It seems her sister is alive! Badly hurt and hiding a ways away between some rocks, but alive nonetheless. She suddenly switches over to total badass! She manages to unstuck her leg using the inflator on her bcd, finds her sister, swims her up to the top using underwater flares to keep the predators and bay, and even gouges a shark's eye out when it bites her pussy! She makes it one the boat, then her vision goes blurry and BLAM!, turns out she's still in the cage, her sister is dead as fuck, and she was hallucinating as a Coast Guard rescue team swims down to her!

W-what? Why!? Why would you do that!? Why would you give us a rad, tense (the only tension to be found in the entire fucking movie) ending where a character evolves and then snatch it away to present us with this uninteresting and, let's just go ahead and say it, misogynist (obviously a woman wouldn't be able to save herself, right?) ending instead?! It added nothing, instead shattering what would've been an interesting, if silly, character arc. I actively hate the two writers for this ending.

So yeah, I really, really, REALLY hated this movie. Shit, I'd recommend Jaws: The Revenge, over 47 Meters Down.

Gotta say, if it were me who'd had to suffer through all that, Matthew Modine's Shark Viewer Inc would be getting a sternly-worded Yelp review. "My sister died due to the Captain's negligence and faulty equipment! However, his prices were reasonable and technically we did see plenty of sharks! 2/5 stars" 

 

Siren (2016)

2012 saw the release of V/H/S, an anthology/found footage hybrid from mumblecore heroes such as Adam Wingard, Ti West, Joe Swanson, and the film making collective Radio Silence, just to name a few. Arguably the best segment --and some could make the argument it's the only decent segment-- is a short about about a trio of dudebros who pick up the wrong girl called Amateur Night, directed by David (The Signal, Southbound) Bruckner. In late 2015 the decision was made by Bruckner and Co, with Dance of the Dead director Gregg Bishop at the helm this time, to create a feature-length film based on the monstrous young lady at the center of the short, and in late 2016 they did just that with Siren. In fact, this could easily be seen as a prequel to Amateur Night.

It's the night of Jonah's bachelor party and his brother/best man (a title given him out of pity as he's the classic "Fuck-Up Brother" archetype) has promised to give him and his two other friends the night of their lives! Sadly, it turns out the reputation of crazy night life of the own brother Mac has taken them to was greatly exaggerated; what's a group of lame 20-somethings to do?! Well, clearly follow the random guy that approaches them in the saddest strip club in the world who tells them he can take them to the real party, duh!

Upon finally arriving at the party --a rundown plantation in the middle of a swamp, natch-- they're greeted by a very dark striptease and introduced to the club's proprietor, Mr. Nyx. He sets Jonah up for a special show with a girl behind a glass partition, the girl from Amateur Night and the titular siren, while the other's enjoy some paranormal cocktails. Well, good guy Jonah becomes convinced she's a sex slave being held against her will and breaks her out, only to discover both her penchant for wholesale slaughter and the fact that she mates for life, and she has her eyes riveted on his junk.

So Siren is kind of a weird movie for me to talk about. It's not a good film, don't get me wrong, but.....that's kinda why I like it. Ok, positives first. There are some CGI elements, but they're used sparingly and hidden in shadow a good percentage of the time. I also like that, despite seeing HOW Lily (the name given to the creature) came to be in our world, we really know nothing else about her, what she truly is, or where she came from. It implies a much larger world that could potentially be the basis for a franchise.

Everything else is pretty much what you'd expect it to be; the acting is simply OK at best, the direction pedantic, and the writing leaves a lot to be desired. Luckily I don't care about any of that. I think Siren is a fun time-waster, silly and cheesy in all the right ways. Give it a watch, couldn't hurt, right?

It Comes At Night (2017)

A mysterious sickness --which is both wildly contagious and fatal in just a couple days-- has ravaged the land and family man Paul, played by personal favorite Joel Edgerton (The Gift, Black Mass), has himself and his wife and son in isolation inside a massive cabin-y house in the mountains. One night a lone man tries to break in, telling a story of a wife and child and a desperate search for supplies. His story is proven true and pretty soon they're all living in that laughably large house together happily, but for how long?

 So it seems the major complaint with the film so far has been the pace; in fact, the pace has proved to be such a problem Cinema Score audiences are currently holding at a solid D! Now I personally don't mind a slow pace, generally speaking, but even I have to admit it really takes its time. Outside of one action beat at roughly the 30 minute mark not a whole lot happens. The title, the trailer (which is seriously one of the best trailers I've ever seen, BTW), and a weirdly-lingering shot of a particular painting all seem to suggest something more along the lines of a creature film when that couldn't be further from the case. The 'It' of the title is largely a metaphor for fear and paranoia destroying a group from the inside out, which is a type of film we've seen a million times. 

None of this makes It Comes at Night a bad film, per say, because there is a lot to recommend here. The acting is excellent, and the writing/direction by Trey Edward Shults are both great, but none of that saves this from being a perfectly skippable film. I liked it, but I don't feel I can recommend it, so make of all this what you will.